Vicious fun is a heartbreaking movie. Good cast, good production design, good cinematography, even a good premise. The only problem? It was written with "modern audiences" in mind. Also the writer was kind of a moron.
So like I did with Barbarian, I'm going to rebuild the movie using all the same elements. I will list a few:
Very few locations - a hotel (very short vignette), an apartment, a bar (which was a set and where half the movie takes place), and a police station (basically an office space and where another third of the movie happens), a hospital (where the final confronation happens), and lastly an old movie theater (very short vignette).
No money for pyrotechnics, so no guns or bombs are used. Nearly all effects are practical with some digital additions and solid camera work.
The same casting, and if I switch actors they need to have comparable amounts of lines and screen time. I thought all the actors did a great job, so there was no switching this time around.
Synopsis of original movie, sorry I don't remember any names: Short vignette where Toxic Male X is easily murdered by Bad Ass Chick at a hotel. Cut to apartment interior. Soy Boy is the main character, has a female room mate who is somehow comfortable enough around him to wear only a towel but doesn't want to fuck him. Let's call her Tease. The proper movie (post vignette) opens with Tease nearly exiting a car without fucking her date (later we find out is Toxic Male A), but quickly realizes she has to go back and be a modern woman dating. After Tease is done polishing a knob, she heads up to take a shower then tells Soy Boy to GTFO because for some nonsense reason post-date she is going to have girls come over for movies and doesn't want Soy Boy there. There is literally zero chemistry between these actors, I don't believe he wants to bang her any more than I believe she even considers him a friend. He makes up some bullshit about girls coming over and she not only doesn't buy it, she doesn't even listen to him and still pushes him out the front door.
Upon exiting his own damn house, he runs into TMA putting on a wedding ring and calling somebody with a pay phone. Oh, it's 1985 or some shit. Soy Boy decides to follow TMA in a convenient cab that shows up and drops off one of Tease's friends who isn't even important enough to get a fake name as she's never seen again. Following TMA leads Soy Boy to The Bar. At the bar he talks to TMA and gets a cover story involving being in real estate and that wedding rings soften buyers or some shit. It really doesn't make sense as he just put it on to take it off again and hook up with another girl at the bar presently. There are tons of holes in this entire movie like this. Soy Boy gets stuck with TMA's bar tab as he leaves, then Soy Boy proceeds to get blitzed anyway. As a horror magazine writer in the 80s. As his sole job. I think they over-estimate how well this sort of person is paid, because he easily drops $100 in 1985 dollars in liquor like it's nothing. He gets blitzed, calls Tease on a pay phone, makes unintelligible drunk noises at her, pukes on it which causes it to short out (a set up with no payoff). Soy Boy then wanders into a unlocked broom closet and passes out. There is a montage where the Bar is closed up, chairs put on tables, the PAYPHONE IS CLEANED, all the while Soy Boy is passed out in the broom closet. Just for reference, the cleaning materials in any establishment are housed in the broom closet. If someone cleaned the phone, they must have ignored the drunk passed-out guy on the floor.
Time passes and Soy Boy wakes up. He wanders into the bar and finds seven chairs and five butts. Toxic Male B, the brute, is in one, Toxic Male C, the Clown, is in another. Toxic Male G, the Government Agent, is in another, Toxic Male Y, the Yakuza, is in another. The last chair is filled by Bad Ass Chick's assets. There's a chair for Soy Boy, and another for a party to be named later (yes it's obviously TMA). This is essentially a serial killer support group/summit, if such nonsense could even exist. Soy Boy figures out what they're doing and tries to play along, and it seems to be working until TMA shows up and pokes holes in his fake history that's not well thought out. At this point there's an altercation about what to do with Soy Boy and TMG gets killed in the crossfire. Soy Boy crawls away and BAC pulls him into the kitchen menacingly and locks it behind them. But because of the dumbass vignette in the beginning, we know she's not going to kill Soy Boy. The plot of this entire movie is stereographed.
The TMC and TMY both take different tacts to try to get in the Kitchen. Nonsensically this bar has Die Hard ductwork and that's TMY's way in, he gets killed in a silly way involving Soy Boy playing dead using TMX's body. It's so fucking stupid that it doesn't work and of course BAC has to save Soy Boy from TMY. Before that TMC tries to break in the back and gets some fingers chopped off. At the end Soy Boy learns that TMA (the Alpha male) figures out who he really is and therefore Tease's involvement. This leads to exactly NOTHING. This is a modern movie so a woman can't be in danger at any point, especially a feminine woman, and double-especially an ignorant feminine woman.
Meanwhile TMB, the biggest and strongest, conveniently never decides to use his 300 lb frame to bust the fucking french doors of a bar kitchen down, or plow through the fucking wall, or do anything sensible. The writers plainly forget he exists at all. It's like he's missing from this middle section of the movie.
Soy Boy decides to pull the fire alarm and get the... police involved. The writers didn't realize that the fire alarm doesn't alert the police. Conveniently TMA uses a pay phone outside to lay some bullshit on 911, changing fire rescue to police rescue in a complete nonsense fashion that any sane person would shrug at. Why pull a fire alarm if you're gonna call 911? Its pointless. As this is a movie for Modern Audiences, the police are of course all white, male, stupid, and belligerent. And they have Tom Selleck mustaches for period reasons.
SB and BAC are pulled down to the station, where BAC is saying nothing to the police and SB is spilling everything. He uses his one call to call Tease and she decides to come get him even though he didn't tell her which precinct he was being held at and specifically asked her to stay in the house and avoid TMA (though he was really bad about actually conveying this last one. He's a man and therefore also stupid). They get statements made then are put in lock-ups facing one another across a hallway. It is here where the movie slows down a bit and gives us a heart to heart between the two characters and we see there's chemistry there, even though they used a piss-poor means of conveyance. This was the first scene where I considered that this movie could be salvageable if they stuck the ending. Spoiler alert: they didn't. Even though the base premise for this scene was BAC being a know-it-all bitch, the actress spins gold out of the straw in the writing and gives the scene a humanity it had no right to have. It's the closest any characters in this entire movie come to three dimensions, and it's all the actress and not the writing at all. The actor playing Soy Boy does a pretty good job here too, with some good reaction cutaways even though he's being effectively chastised by modern feminism for "creepy behavior" when a more attractive man wouldn't even have to answer for it. The scene ends and there's a glimmer that maybe BAC has a thing for SB. This is not actually in the writing, so it doesn't get played out in the story, sadly.
One terrible disguise by TMA and an assault on Precinct 13 later and the cops have all been murdered by either TMC, TMB, or TMA after getting split up. The kids get out of their cells and BAC makes short work of both TMB and TMC. TMB is the most insanely ridiculous mis-matched fight I've ever seen put to film. A 300+ pound man gets beat up by a 120 lb girl. I'm going to make a special mention here for TMC. The actor is brilliant in the role and he's by far the most interesting character in the entire movie due totally to his actions and demeanor. This movie should honestly be about a killer clown. Soy Boy is told by BAC to leave the police station because under no uncertain terms: She doesn't need him. The feminist rallying cry, I'm sure they expected people to cheer in their living rooms at this. He starts heading home. Seconds later Tease, coming from home, shows up at the police station. Another problem with this movie is that these two coming along the same path wouldn't run into each other. There should be some explanation, like him being on foot and her taking a bus, but none is offered so it appears they just ignored and walked right past one another. Tease is "threatened" by TMC but BAC kills TMB and starts playing with the lights (that were shut off but it didn't really matter) and then TMC's presence is psychically felt by Tease and he punches him or does some stupid karate shit that seriously wouldn't work on an armed psychopath but at least it's less of a than BAC and TMB as TMC is much older and smaller than TMB. Tease is also much smaller than BAC (probably like 95 lbs), so it's still a very improbable outcome for a fight between the two characters.
Anyway, enough of that, let's do a kill count!:
TMC: 2 (TMG, one cop)
TMB: 1 (one cop)
TMA: 1 (one cop)
BAC: 4 (TMX, TMY TMB, TMC)
Yes, BAC manages to show up and kill TMC. So, at this point BAC has killed far more people than anyone else in the movie about serial killers. It's like they figured this out and it's why they wrote the police station scene, but also made sure the police themselves were all idiots, so it's easy for us to be OK with these toxic males getting a one-up on them. Also every victim has been a toxic male or a toxic stupid male. Literally zero victims to empathize with.
TMA then sneaks up on BAC and gets one good hit in on her. But because he's a serial killer he doesn't kill her in one stroke, no. Due to this inefficiency, SB has a chance to help fight back and takes a knife to the arm. TMA is fought off, the scooby gang runs, Tease is such an idiot and won't start the car without asking 20 questions, and somehow TMA teleports to be in front of a car the rest of the scooby gang ran up and entered from behind. I swear this movie has no idea where anyone is at any point in time. The gang hits TMA with the car and heads to the hospital.
TMA shows up at the hospital, disguises himself as a doctor in full surgical garb because he's an idiot (talking about the writer, not the actor) and sneaks into BAC's room. Instead of immediately killing her, he leaves a trail and gets found out by Soy Boy who arrives in the nick of time to toss a bedpan at him and wake up BAC who fights him off in spite of being "very weak". She kills him, then says she could use an intern, which is the closest to closure you're going to get in this sexless movie. Soy Boy flashes a smile to Tease, who smiles back, and that's the closest he's going to get to fucking anyone in this movie.
And as written, his character needs to nut to get some development and just doesn't. The end vignette he's in a theater concessions stand and talks to an obvious TMZ, asks to use the restroom, as he enters the restroom notices a tied up theater working girl (the closest to "helpless" or "murdered" any girl is in the entire movie), and chases TMZ directly into BAC, who kills him with an axe (bringing her kill count to 6). She kills three times more people than anyone else in the show. In the end he grabs a bunch of snacks for the road and gets in the car. She says "did you forget something?" And instead of the obvious kiss they should have at this point, the thing he "forgot" was the axe she killed TMZ with that she was too lazy to get herself.
Changes I would make: Drop TMX's death entirely, BAC's introduction is stronger if we don't know she's not just another serial killer. I would keep Soy Boy a pathetic loser for the beginning. He is pining after Tease. She does get back in TMA's car. TMA drives off. Tease is a "modern woman" so has a geolocate app on her phone which she gave access to Soy Boy. He uses it to follow TMA because he's worried about Tease and also jealous and also a little stalkery. But Tease gave him access because she trusts him as a friend and wants to be safe in the city. They wind up at The Bar. We skip the bullshit of the bar being open, this is the summit meeting and Soy Boy sneaks in after running into a locked front door (and being told to piss off by TMB), he breaks into the meeting via a conveniently unlocked bathroom window. He walks around the wrong corner and gets mistaken for another murderer, just like in the movie. TMA is still late for the meeting, and as an easter egg you can see something going on in one of the cars near the meeting but Soy Boy ignores them. This is TMA murdering Tease. This is not, strictly speaking, fridging because Soy Boy is not in a relationship with Tease and will not find out about her death until much later in the movie. And someone innocent has to die for evil killers to be evil killers, I'm sorry that's just the way it is. Tease adds almost nothing to the entire plot and therefore doesn't really need to exist as a character in this movie.
As I said, the meeting, really the meat and potatoes of this movie, can play out exactly the same up until TMA shows up. Same altercations and TMG dies when he's supposed to because he's the most expensive actor in the production in that I recognize him from something other than the Supernatural TV show. BAC manages to pull Soy Boy into the kitchen, locks the door, then grabs the fire axe on the wall and secures it. TMB starts bashing his way against it. TMC starts getting ready with his clown make-up. TMA begins disposing of TMG. BAC does a much, much shorter introduction to each baddie in the next room. There are no Die Hard style ventilation systems, but there is a back door. Soy Boy and BAC get there and find out that the killers are smart enough to have headed them off at the pass (TMY is out there), not that the door is nonsensically chained from the outside (and open outward, unlike most doors which open inward). BAC manages to fight off TMY and get the door closed. As they look for another exit TMB breaks through the door. BAC sees the fire alarm on the wall and tells Soy Boy to pull it to get some back up. They then both fight him. She stabs him in the chest, he gets a good slice on her arm, then Soy Boy temporarily KOs him with a fire extinguisher from behind. Knowing they are exposed and help is on the way, they run. Police show up first, then fire dept. They wave down the police and try to explain what's going on. The story is so stupid they are still treated like nutcases in spite of the killers not actually intervening. Because the killers were smart, the police looking around don't even find any bodies. TMC creepily watches from the shadows, noting which precinct the cops are coming from
At this point, we see a flashback as TMA and the corpse of TMG are riding away in his car. TMB exits out of the back of the bar and runs into a wounded TMY. His killer instinct causes him to end TMY and toss him in a nearby dumpster. TMC slinks out of the shadows and looks in the dumpster, makes a grimace face, then quietly closes the lid. In this version the police aren't complete morons so this corpse will be found, just not immediately.
These two are brought down to the station for questioning. They both tell the truth as they have no real reason not to. They are also both fingerprinted and we get to hear BAC's actual name. It's something stupid like Donna or Susan (something that conflicts with her badass persona). The radio rings out - they found a body so the two "witnesses" need to be held. They get put in two adjoining cells so we can get a good shot of both actors at the same time. Shot/reverse shot starts through bars as BAC does her spiel, ends past the bars as she seems to be opening up or showing compassion to Soy Boy.
See, the audience thinks they found TMY, but they actually found Tease. TMA dumped her so the cops would have something to look into so they'd be busy and not at the precinct per the movie. We get a fun interrogation scene where both are brought into locked interrogation rooms. The cops grill them for information. At the climax of the scene, we find out the body of Tease was what was found when the cops finger Soy Boy for the murderer. TMA shows up and does his fake police thing, almost making it into the interrogation room but the cops are smart enough to check his credentials before doing so. Sadly they are still under staffed, so as soon as they figure out what's wrong TMB and TMC are killing singled out members of the force and TMA quickly takes out the last one. All this time BAC is picking the lock on her handcuffs and gets out of her interrogation room in time to interrupt the next scene. TMB throws a cop through the interrogation room window and menacingly stares at Soy Boy. Soy fumbles through the cop's pockets and gets his keys, unlocking his own cuffs. He pulls the cop's baton as TMB opens the door. They fight, it's very one-sided and Soy Boy takes a few bad hits. TMB willingly leaves weapons aside and wants to kill SB with his bare hands. Eventually BAC breaks in, grabs some glass off the floor, and stabs TMB again. After a struggle he finally dies, then his corpse jerks and Soy Boy hits him several times with the baton and kicks him until BAC stops him by physically grabbing him and pulling him into a corner with her hand over his mouth. A short, sensual-ish moment like this is what the story needs. More SEX. Even implied potential of sex is a good thing in these sorts of stories. Pan out, and TMA is watching this unfold and sees that both TMB is dead and Soy Boy and BAC need medical attention. They're definitely going to a nearby hospital. TMA is patient and smart (and a lone wolf who isn't a team player). He goes to wait for them there. He already has the tape of the meeting, he has no reason to kill these two but he does desperately want to and his best chance of success is after they think they've won.
The lights go out. (likely TMC shuts them off). He's crazy and wants to continue playing. He does not know TMB is dead. He is smart so he stalks them through the dark police station and injects BAC with a paralyzing agent right in front of Soy Boy. Soy Boy has to become Soy Man now and successfully fights off TMC alone. First injecting him with his own paralyzing agent, then driving his head through a nearby receipt-pin thing you see in diners, conveniently put on a cop's desk nearby. He picks up BAC and carries her out of the station toward the nearest hospital.
The bloody and battered couple pass out on the Ambulance entry ramp. EMTs and Nurses swarm them, get them on beds and placed in the ER. A male nurse asks "Where the hell did Randy go? I haven't seen him in 20 fucking minutes!" The camera pans up and over to reveal Randy's naked body in a dumpster for medical waste, just out of the sight. Smash cut to TMA walking down the hallway in nurse scrubs. No mask, no surgery get-up, no lab coat. He taps Randy's badge on a badge reader, leaving a drop of blood as he goes. A nearby housekeeper sees it happen, looks confused for a second, then simply wipes up the blood droplet.
None of the nurses look up from the nurse station. Someone says "Randy, go do a pre-flight on room 5, dude looks like he went through three rounds with Tyson" TMA brandishes a knife (not a fucking scalpel) as he's about to enter the room, then does so. From his POV, he sees an unconscious Soy Man. He turns toward the camera and closes the built-in blinds to the room, then turns back to see Soy Man standing up and holding a metal bed-pan. One shot, KO. BAC enters the room from the same door. "I got him" She smiles. They kiss. From the floor, TMA stabs Soy Man in the leg. He goes down. BAC kicks TMA in the head then pulls the knife from Soy Man's leg and stabs TMA repeatedly while Soy Man stomps on his face. Fade out.
Final scene can remain at the movie theater and be virtually unchanged. Except BAC retrieves her own axe and when she asks him if he forgot anything, he says no, brandishing a condom. BECAUSE THEY'RE FUCKING. It's important that Soy Man get some pussy by the end of this picture, else his development was for nothing. I think my version has shaved this film down to the perfect length of 90 mins as well.
This is a much better movie, gives both characters their due, as well as an arc. It even gives most of the killers their due. It hits some traditional story beats, which is something sorely lacking from modern movies. Also there are less holes in this.
