It's available on drivethrurpg.com free with no art. I am not sure a version that has art exists. The producer suggests you pay them $25 dollars to buy it. I suggest you pay 0, wait one day, then rate it at 1 star to help their rating reflect the quality.
Grab a beer and settle in, this is going to be a long one.
OK, longest story short: somebody rewrote Troika to be super-woke and nonsensically hyper-pretentious. Yes even more than Troika normally is.
First red flag on page 1: Six authors. OK, that's the second red flag. The first was the game's name looks like "Cuneonquered" because of the miserable title graphic. Six authors for a 265 page book. It's gonna get worse.
Page 2: looks like they decided to paint the pages eggshell. Well, closer to dirt brown. I also verified there's no layers to turn that shit off. This thing will be a bear to print. Luckily nobody ever has or ever will. It's not even really a game expected to be played. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
The text on page 2 is where more red flags lie. Terrible names of bad designers of Christmas past dot the credits, including the shithead Vinny Baker and fuckface Ronald Edwards. Which made me think... isn't the Forge dead? Why the fuck is this guy getting credits? And right after that it mentions an X card mechanic designed by some white male who doesn't have the common sense not to include obviously objectionable things or play with people who are mentally old enough to not be scared of imaginary spiders.
Last part of page 2 (I KNOW) explains you can use the mechanics of PINKHACK, whatever the fuck that is (the game was renamed in production, obviously), as long as you say you aren't affiliated and also that you can't use text or graphics, only mechanics. In other words, it's wasted blob of text (but what ISN'T in this book?). You can't copyright mechanics, and the mechanics in this game aren't theirs to copyright regardless. Also PINKHACK isn't the name of the fucking game anymore. They should have paid the editor (snort, laugh, nobody got fucking paid to make this) not to be stupid enough to have left this shit in here. A quick skim shows no OGL, obviously the people making this weren't smart enough to know how to use it even if they wanted to.
Next is a dedication, after that a 3 page table of contents with 12 completed entries. It's unimportant as nobody will ever have to reference any pages. They'd have to actually want to play it first. It's been out for six months now, you'd think they'd have at least finished a table of contents. If you think there's gonna be an index you've got another thing coming.
Moving ahead to page 1 (OK, the file itself decided this was page 1, it's not. It's page 7). Page 7 is my favorite page in the entire book. It includes the following statement, I'm paraphrasing (but only barely) and removing pretension because fuck 'em:
"The contents of this tome are mostly lies."
This doesn't make the book any better, but it's nice to see that they realize they are full of shit. Even in a subconscious, I-just-wrote-this-to-try-to-be-profound-but-could-only-hit-pretentious way. This is also when I noticed a large white gap in the page, supposedly where the art goes, but also ENORMOUS text and margins. I quickly scanned to a page that was mostly full of text and copy/pasted it into a word document. After removing breaks and formatting It was exactly 1/2 of a page on default settings So I'm going to make a bold statement and say roughly 100 pages worth of text exist in this 265 page book. Because most of the pages are even less full.
Well, we're on page 8 and the authors are making good on that "mostly lies" quote above. It's almost comical. This page has three paragraphs. The first is a relatively vague 10,000 foot view of what the OSR is. My only major problem with it is that they put quotes around the "original" of "original Dungeons & Dragons" as if the game isn't the original version of Dungeons & Dragons. It also talks about B/X D&D like it's two different versions of D&D and kinda sets sail the idea that a person who knows and cares about the OSR is actually writing the book you're reading.
The second paragraph is where the mask begins to fall. It spirals into full shit-lib talking points about half -way down the page. Every point it expresses have been argued to death, so I'm not bothering, just moving past it. Essentially written by somebody who thinks the sub-human orcs are an analog for black people, and projects those racist thoughts on others for self-flagellating reasons. This has gotta be a white dude writing this (spoiler alert: I'm right)
Mask comes completely off in paragraph 3. Apparently somebody named Nic Masyk (100% chance of white dude, well over 100% chance of fake name). Paragraph 3 slops over on to the next page, talks about the OSR's wrestling heel RPGPundit (who also makes mostly garbage, but that's for another day and another reason) without naming him, because why be brave when you can be a pussy and pretend that being a pussy is brave.
There is a fourth paragraph, it falls into full-blown obvious self hatred and racism against white people, sexism against men, and heterophobia. This author doesn't realize that none of this shit actually matters to gamers beyond shitlibs who want it to. Nobody cares. The number 1 solo roleplaying tool was designed by a man, who transitioned into a woman, and it's still the number 1 solo roleplaying tool. She still supports it. People still buy her stuff. Moral of the story: quality sells. Fuck your identity politics and weird self-hatred you want to project on others. Fuck your silo and your bubble. Fuck your history erasure. Fuck censorship.
10: "Tools for Safe Play" - I already made a blog post about this, rebutting it's existence.
That being said there are two and a half pages devoted to pointless safety tools, the only even remotely sane thing being to take restroom breaks from time to time, which again is fucking common sense and people sitting around a table playing a game should be able to sort that out without a book telling them to not piss in their fucking pants.
This section on safety tools is concluded with a bizarre quote regarding fascism which even at one point calls the reader a fascist, right after saying fascists shouldn't play the game. Which is weird because then a fascist just read through your safety tools section... Oh, wait that does seem about right. So I guess it's a game designed for nobody to ever play it?
The game sorta starts talking about being a game on page 13. Ok, it's pretentious bullshit for 1/4 of a page stretched to 1/2 a page. It then tells you to skip ahead to page 10 (which is really page 16) to create a character.
One weird pointless unmarked 3d20 table page (yes, takes a full page) later, a page titled "Important Matters to Forget". Normal shit here, save a few really bad or silly ideas:
"Write in pen?" Has the author played RPGs before? Never fucking write in pen.
Some bullshit about violence not being the answer. Violence isn't always the answer, but it's not off the table in the OSR. That's the point of viewing things through a logical lens.
"Strive for inclusion over realism" - I actually don't have any idea what the fuck that even means. Are the two at odds? Are they somehow mutually exclusive? I think it's a silly nonsense statement.
16: Character Creation. OK, so they renamed Strength, Dexterity, and Wisdom (Will, whatever) as Iron, Silver, Salt. Yes, they named a stat Salt. Irony just hung itself by a ceiling fan and it's legs are now melodically thumping a nearby filing cabinet. And they put the stats in reverse alphabetical order because fuck you, that's why.
Choose an Archetype. It means class. Fuck it I'm dropping all their bullshit pretension lingo. There are two classes, fighter and magic user. So basically just like Carcosa. (I can hear them gasp at the implication). Characters apparently have stats called Will and Stamina. I'm guessing we'll eventually find out what the fuck those are. My guess is a needlessly divided version of Hit Points.
19: Backgrounds. ALL of the backgrounds are jibberish names of non-existent things. 20 of them in a row. And all the tables appear to be 2d6 tables because I assume they have no idea how math works and instead want to keep some form of style that the game uses only d20s and d6s rather than put effort into 20 entries in a table or simply 12 entries and include a goddamn d12. If you're playing this garbage you're better off rolling a d12 and letting players pick if they roll a 1. Or reroll. Else you're gonna see a lot of the 6, 7, and 8 entries.
OK, 40 pages later we're at page 60 - Vocations. A completely pointless and unnecessary table of stupidity (isn't that this whole book? What? Oh I already used this joke).
41: Here we see LotFP's inventory system has been pilfered for this game, as well as something called Gear Bubbles, which I thought was a Trailer Park Boy with a toolbelt on. Another nonsense table and we're off to Finishing Touches on page 62.
This is when we find out these people HAVEN'T ever played an RPG before, especially not this one. Also "Sword" is good enough to be a class, but not good enough to be a weapon on the fucking weapon list. Also they don't have prices in spite of characters getting weird black glass moneys, because this game was never meant to be played. I feel like I said that before.
The reason I am insolent in the last paragraph is because all weapons do a d6. Which in and of itself isn't bad. No, the issue is some weapons damage explode on a 6. Some explode on a 5-6. Some explode on a 4-5-6. And that's fucking insane. Oh, there's a step past insane. There's a weapon that explodes on a 3-4-5-6. Yes, the die blows up over half the time. This is without a doubt the dumbest OSR RPG with this one weapon chart alone, ignoring all other factors.
Armor: all armor has a DR rating, it's DR rating decreases by one for each time it's hit. The best armor possible survives 6 hits. I'm sure this won't come back to haunt the game at any point...
Another table of d66 random trash in your pockets. Ugh. Only 66 pages in...
Another table of d66 random not-quite-trash in your,, extradimensional anus space. Takes up another 2 pages at least...
Complication, another d66 table. This one mildly less stupid. It has no where near enough options to be good, but at least it's not fuckawful.
Saves... and an unheralded section on advancement. Uses the Apocalypse World "losers are the real winners" experience point system. It's dumb and short-sighted. It is in that system. It is in this system. Moving on.
75: I almost clap. Advantage and Disadvantage. This is where I found out... the game is roll under. Which is fucking chef's kiss perfect. Rolling a 1 is the best result, rolling a 20 is the worst. The game truly is opposite world. Because of course it is.
Oh hey they're also explaining what Will and Stamina are now at the bottom of 75. Ah, it's a needlessly divided set of HPs. Who could have guessed that?
Bullshit on sailing, marginal stats on ships, Info on rest with an improper use of the Advantage mechanic (the mechanic itself is explained badly earlier). Bullshit on camping, bullshit on hunting, dumbass minigame, hirelings with ridiculous wages (what is this, a starbucks?).
84: is a hireling list that for reasons unknown bother with the pronouns of the npcs. Even more stupid, he/him and she/her are in the minority. Those two comprise of 1/3 of the results, with another full 1/3 being they/them. This game was not meant for people to play it. Gamers are currently around 70% white dudes (he/hims), 28% white women (she/hers), and 2% other. I'm being generous with my non-white dude margin, I promise. Other than this the mix appears pretty random, there isn't an uncomfortable amount of weak helpless cowardly shitheel dudes on it.
85: The shiny part of the turd in the punchbowl. There's some decent XP rules here. not perfect but not stupid enough to explain why they suck here.
88: made me smell toast because it's regurgitating weapon info again. It goes on for a few pages and starts talking gun misfires on page 90. Looks like they misfire 1/3-1/2 of the time. Then it explains armor again on page 91. Ugh. Initiative is explained. Borrowed from Mork Borg of course.
92: Here we go! Attacks automatically hit every round. So armor's inclusion is a big joke. This entire game is a joke told by an idiot to a deaf man who laughs because the idiot soils himself half-way through and doesn't notice. The heaviest armor lasts for 6 blows (which never miss), each of which trigger diminishing returns is a mechanic. If you know anything about mechanics or design, you actually laughed at that last sentence (well, maybe just snickered).
Also on page 92 there gets to be a point to the HP division. A very small point. Entirely unnecessary.
94: I get the feeling I'm in the matrix again, as information is duplicated from page 41 regarding equipment. I'm fairly certain at this point the editor was a leafblower set on "blustery summer day".
95-99: A strikingly limited selection of example prices that don't really jive with the weapon creation chart earlier in the doc, because why would they? Here weapons have a cost but no explanation of what they do, where before there was a listing of what they do but no cost. It makes no sense for these to be separated.
100-106: One 100 entry table of "mysterious items". Built on a tabbed list instead of a table like a normal table. How do I know this? The 100 entry has a gap where an additional tab was placed. They didn't care enough to fix this or the rest of the table upon finding the mistake. Or they didn't find the mistake. But it's super duper obvious. The entries range from game-breakingly powerful to completely useless garbage. Good luck on that die roll. Like many tables in this book, there is no indication on how or when or if the table should be rolled on.
107: Words of Creation. This is the game's term for spells. Goes on until 121. I'm not going to get into it, super loosey goosey and game breaking, cementing that you don't bother playing a Fighter in this game ever. Two classes and one is a trap option. Because of course it is. It's this game.
121: Bottom of the page talks about "incandescently rapturous" human sacrifice with a willing participant. This is def by somebody who condemns Carcosa for doing the same shit (and I've never said I like Carcosa's rituals, so in spirit I agree with the criticism). Considering how woke this game is, I'm surprised or not surprised that it includes human sacrifice as a "ritual spell". Lots of heming and hawing about how the spell is verboten, and even knowing the spell is grounds for being BURNT AT THE STAKE. Ah, we went from 0 to Salem Witch Trials rather quickly on this world. How is this different than edgy dark games that are decried in the introduction? Must have been one of the other 5 authors of the game wrote this part. There's a fucking broom steering the editing ship, that's for certain.
122-123: I haven't mentioned it yet, but interspersed throughout this tome are wasted pages on garbage pointless high-school prose. It finally annoyed me enough to call at least one of these page sets out.
124: HOW TO GM section. It lasts almost a page and a half. I'm beginning to wonder if this entire game is duplicated for the second half, I'm not even halflway through it. Is there a 100+ page bestiary? Who can say. I'm betting not. Time to zoom in and find out they fucked up OSR play and Storygame Loser play.
This section looks copy/pasted from an Apocalypse World style game. It makes all the mistakes an Apocalypse World style game makes. Let's walk through them:
Choice: This section isn't bad, it's about letting PCs have meaningful choices and be able to mark on the world. Let's hope it's not followd up by something that undermines it (Cue Bugs Bunny eyebrow wiggle).
Danger: This section wanders into opposite world immediately. Basically states that all danger should be telegraphed, and telegraphed more for higher levels of danger. It outright says that an ambush against the characters CAN'T be an ambush against the players. Basically the Danger section is "Don't include danger".
Difficulty: Schitzophrenia wrote this section. Perhaps some other form of madness. Firstly, it quotes the mantra "say yes or roll the dice" which is a stupid mantra if you don't understand further implications. I've spoken with someone who says that literally "say yes or roll the dice" DOESN'T MEAN always say yes or roll the dice. It's just a stupid way of trying to break GMs out of the habit of saying "no" all the time. GMs are fucking adults, actually tell them what you want to tell them. Don't hide meaning behind bullshit phrases. It goes on to say nothing is guaranteed, numbers aren't balanced, fights aren't fair. But you JUST SAID to grant plot armor avoidance of any and all danger to the PCs via the "Danger" paragraph. Are the authors taking turns writing SECTIONS of a page now?
Information: I actually agree with this section, which simply says don't pixelbitch PCs.
Preparation: I actually agree with this section, meaning I think the author changed again and wrote these last two sections. Or maybe it was all plagiarized from Vinny Baker and a broken clock is right twice a game system or something like that. This section says don't be a frustrated author DM.
Treasure: This one's not bad too. It says make treasure make sense in the fiction. Completely agree. But many of these could be bullet points if we're talking honestly considering there's a lot of inferred knowledge already, some of which is highly specific to this game.
Trust: Ah, I knew one of those shit authors would wrestle the Con of this shitshow away from good ideas and toward idiocy again. In one sentence this section says "Be a supportive advocate and an impartial judge (of the PCs)" This is not possible. You can't be the PC's defense attorney and judge the case. That's not how courts work. That's not how gamemastering works. That's not how those words work.
125: More reiteration, this time about Time. Page 125 and page 76 are almost the same page.
126: Surprise Motherfuckas! Morale also exists here, but it's really narrow in understanding and scope. And since it includes no examples, I actually have no idea what "roll 2d6 equal to or less than the enemy's HD" That's not me taking out context, that's a direct quote (Fair Use by the way) that is completely nonsense unless every monster in the game usually has around 7 HD. We'll find out if that's true later (I mean, maybe).
127: Weird prose again, this time another great quote they should put on the cover of this book "You will find no truths within these pages".
130: Setting guide? It's fluff wishy-washy garbage text until 135. There it's broken up with a bizarre table of gods Are gods randomized? The book has them on a chart with numbers, but there's no indication of what to do with it, like most tables in this book.
134: Beginning of the dumb. The setting has divine and semi-divine beings, all possibly randomized. Or just populating tables because fuck you and tables are an OSR thing. This wacky shit continues (interspersed with nonsense prose) until 142.
143-154: the most boring hex generation system ever devised. Awful for multiple reasons, too few results, too boring of results, etc etc. Minimum effort.
155: Hazards AKA actual critters to fight. And they're entirely explained as a HD allotment and a random adjective. Ugh. Are the adjectives connected to something mechanical? The answer to that is the same as all the other answers in this rolling dumpster fire.
Oh god I thought the hex system was over! still going until page 190. Blegh.
190: Encounters. Should be "bestiary". It starts out by telling you you're gonna have to do additional math and figuring to get the actual numbers for every critter. Because telling you to go fuck yourself and do homework if you want to play it is 100% on this game's brand. I'm just surprised there isn't a generation table for pronouns
201: In Dreams. Another seemingly pointless, unexplained 2d6 table. The game is littered with these. Like they're filler that come from blog posts and are just shoehorned in because they really wanted this game to exceed 256 pages and be a "real RPG".
203-235: I get the idea this (since 201) is supposed to be an example adventure or something, but there's no indication of how to use it. Maybe it's more fucking setting material? Lots of non-sequitor tables. No explanation of NPCs or locations in a meaningful way. It's all just scads of bizarre tables that have no indication of when or why to roll on them.
236: More prose
237-238: Story title generator, conveniently located on the front and back of a piece of paper in a book. I jest, this thing will never be printed. But for once, it's not a bad set of tables. It even explains how and why to use it! Apparently the chart-explaining guy got back from the can but most of the book was written already.
233-262: Non-sequitor table-palooza. Almost 30 pages of pointless unreferenced unexplained ugly salmon tables.
263: Appendix N for this book. Including some of the authors decried in the Introduction and a bunch of worthless people who created worthless games. Oh and M.A.R. Barker, who these woke shitheads forgot wrote The Book of Ebon Bindings for Tekumel, the Carcosa of it's time. Or they just didn't do any homework to look into the history of his publications. I'm going to err on the side of complete idiocy AND ignorance.
264-265: Two copies of an overproduced character sheet. One is slightly off-white while the other is white.
OK, I'm done. I've reviewed the worst OSR game. And as the undisputed king of the OSR, I BANISH IT from my kingdom. It should be spat upon by any that see it. If it's sitting down to a nice sunday dinner, light multiple bags full of various animal and human feces on it's wooden porch then don't bother to ring the doorbell. Fuck this game. Fuck the censorious revisionist history twitter activist shitlib fuckface authors too. I hope they all get the herp and the flare ups never ever cease. Then I hope they live LONG LONG fucking lives.
EDIT: It appears this game was the product of plagiarism. Which is hilarious. It's since been deleted from DTRPG which is great. Hopefully it will never be seen again in any form. I am glad my degree was far reaching and wiped it from the world.
